Pop the cork

I went to a lovely house today in Wimbledon Village. Their toilet was blocked and needed clearing.

I set to work with the plunger, but every time I plunged I could hear air and water bubbling up the basin plug hole. The basin waste pipe was obviously connected to the same waste pipe as the toilet and the blockage was further down the line than the joint.

At this stage I considered the fact that I would have to rod the toilet waste to clear the blockage. But before I went down the roding route I thought I would try blocking the basin waste pipe by just putting the plug in the basin and filling it up with water. I plunged again, this time I heard air escaping from the basin overflow pipe.

If the plunger was going to work I would need to plug the basin overflow. I needed a cork, which I did not have. Instead I rolled up a few rubber gloves and stuffed them into the basin overflow.

I plunged the toilet again, after the second plunge the rubber gloves flew across the room, having been launched out of the overflow by the pressure build up.

I chuckled to myself as the toilet waste flushed away. My cork had popped but so had the blockage.

Pooh will fly

Riding a motorcycle around London unblocking toilets has many plus sides. Mostly I avoid traffic congestion and parking problems. The biggest down side of course is that I'm exposed to the weather and in London that means rain.

Luckily the smart engineers at Goretex have helped me to stay dry on my motorcycle during the constant drizzle that all us Londoners love to hate. I am a firm believer in buying quality equipment and therefore spared no expense when selecting the clothing that was meant to keep me dry all day.

Last Wednesday was one of those days. I awoke to the familiar grey scene outside, the clouds had come in overnight and we destined to leak down on us all day. I geared up into my water proof clothing and set off.

All the jobs went smoothly that day and finished all my scheduled jobs by 15:00. I thought I'd pop into the office to hand in some paperwork and payments. As I walked through the office door the Operation's Manager grabbed my attention.

"Do you want another job?" he asked,

"That depends on what it is" I replied.

"Blocked toilet in SW8"

"No problem, send it through to my phone"

Just as quickly as I had arrived I was out of the door. Heading to Stockwell to clear a blocked toilet.

I arrived the address, a typical London council estate. I knocked on the flat door and the tenant answered.

"It's in there, I'll leave you to deal with it"

I opened the door to what was obviously intended to be a guest loo. The customer had attempted, as admittedly most do, to unblock the toilet herself with drain unblocker. It was obvious from the pungent smell of chemicals that she had poured the whole bottle down the toilet in hope that it would dissolve the blockage. It hadn't.

All the chemicals had done was to dissolve the loo roll and turn the trapped water into a brown sludge. Not a pretty site.

I decided to use a plunger to clear the blockage. I slipped on my rubber gloves and sunk the plunger into the sludge. As I drove down on the plunger in an attempt to clear the blockage and in the process created a fountain of pooh as the downward pressure on the plunger forced the foul water to splash out of the bowl.

It went everywhere! All over the toilet seat, behind the toilet, down the walls and worst of all; all over my expensive Goretex waterproof trousers, shoes and socks.

Luckily the plunger had cleared the blockage, but I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning up the mess I had made. The customer must have been very impressed with the service, not only did I unblock her toilet but I cleaned her toilet from top to bottom.

I spent the rest of the evening cleaning my waterproof clothing. I now know to plunge with care or the pooh will fly.

What do you mean cucumber?

It was a long way from SW12 to E10, but nothing can get from one side of London to the other quicker than a man on a motorbike with a mission.

The mission: unblock a toilet
The reward: £60+VAT
The risks: Sights that will haunt your dreams for eternity

The truth about clearing blocked toilets on a regular basis is that you soon become desensitised to the blood and guts of it all, just like Gil Grisham on CSI.....cool as a cucumber.

I was met at the front door by a very friendly cat, waiting to get back to the warmth of his window seat. I rang the bell and the door opened, the cat dashed in. I greeted the customer and he stepped aside to let me in.

As I walked past him he passed a comment that was music to my ears

"Its not a messy job"

"oh really?" I answered

"I know what has blocked it" he proclaimed, slightly ashamed.

I stopped, turned around to face him with my hands on my hips. Just like my mother used to do when she was about to scold me.

"What is it?" I asked

"I think you'll need to rod it!"

"What is it?"

"I flushed a cucumber"

My hands dropped to my sides as I raised an eyebrow and then a small chuckle came over me as I considered the possibility that he was speaking metaphorically.

We moved through the kitchen out the back door and into a courtyard. Immediately to the right of the kitchen door and just before the vegetable garden was the entrance to the toilet. I started to piece together what must have happened. I put down my tool bag, took off my jacket and put it on the floor. Like a surgeon I wiped my brow, snapped on my rubber gloves and dove in.

10-15 minutes later the toilet was cleared of all vegetables and flushing freely again. As a final demonstration of a job well done I dropped a handful of toilet paper down the bowl. We both gazed expectantly into the bowl as it swirled around and disappeared.

I filled out the invoice and he happily handed over his credit card.

I pulled the door closed behind myself and glanced back at the window, the cat raised his head from his paws to watch me go. I once again found myself chuckling, the customer probably took pride in the fact that he saved money by growing his own vegetables and one cucumber just cost him £70.50.